Live with it Every Day

In our group therapy meetings, we talked a lot about how having a loving spouse helps the addict to recover and keep from engaging in pornography. Most of the men in the group reported that they felt so much better after they had "come clean' to their wives. And how much better they feel when they can confide in their wives about their addiction. I know why this is good for them but it is exhausting living with this problem every day.

Yesterday, my husband called me at work to say that he was being tempted. He told me what was going on and that he had actually clicked on the web link to take him to the site. Thankfully, we have Net Nanny installed on our computer so it blocked him from viewing the site. But he felt guilty and was getting down on himself so he wanted to call so that I could help him through it. After a few minutes on the call, we realized that he hadn't been following some of his own rules when it came to computer use. Like, he is not allowed to surf the internet if he is alone in the room- he can only check his e-mail if he is alone. He just set up these rules in October! So I helped him to re-direct and find a more productive use of his time than surfing on the internet.

The thing that is so hard for me is I have to live with his addiction EVERY DAY. We are not just going to box this problem up and put it on the shelf. It will be between us every day for the rest of our lives. And I get exhausted when I realize this.

And the only reason I get through it - the only reason I keep being diligent and not giving up is so that I know I am doing everything I can to save my marriage. I am fighting and fighting hard- because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if we don't make it knowing I could have done more. This is what keeps me going. I wish it were the trust in my husband that he can beat this thing and be done with it but we're just not there yet.

AH